the dead carry
as much of their old life into the new as I have, for few can be cursed
as I have been with a granted prayer. What my life in the world of
spirits might have been I cannot tell you; but I know that all I have
suffered comes from my folly, my wickedness in praying for my own will!
But my life upon earth had been so complete, so happy, it seemed as if
I might be justified in thinking that it ought to give me the same
bliss if it was made eternal. My love for Philip was so pure and true
that it seemed as fit that it should govern me in one life as in the
other! Other women, I suppose, have loved their husbands as well; but
few would have had the temerity to stake their eternal happiness on
human fidelity as I did! But my love was a part of my being, and I
thought no more of its extent or duration than of the density of the
air I breathed. It was never put to the test of neglect or
misunderstanding, and was never subject to question. Looking back now,
it seems impossible that I ever lived without Philip; for all my days
before I knew him are but fragments of a half-forgotten time. Of his
love I had no doubt. It satisfied me. And we were not only lovers, but
also comrades. I was but an amateur where he was a master, but I
followed him attentively, eagerly. I like to remember those days, when
we wandered like children through the woods, when we climbed, sketched,
laughed, and sang together, and I often wonder if any mortals are as
happy now. At home we had our hours of work, of merry talk, and happy
plans. We had the excitements of the exhibition days, the pleasures of
social life, and then we had also my dear little girl, our Nellie!
Sometimes I fancy that such happiness cannot die; that if our words and
actions perpetuate themselves, such vivid experiences cannot fade away,
and that I may some time find it all passed into an eternal form! But
these are dreams; for every thing has changed, and I know that nothing
can be eternal that is not based upon truth, upon faithfulness.

"You can understand, although you are so young, and are just learning
how love transfigures everything, that my life with my husband was so
complete that we did not dream of any change; we did not comprehend
that we could ever be parted. I have heard women say that they have
trembled when they were very happy, knowing that there must be an end
to their joy; but I had no such fears. Still it came to me, and in a
horrible shape.

"I kne