and
painful. The only intervals of rest I enjoyed, was when the desire to
witness the last expiring throb of a person dying by violence haunted
me, which it did at times, if possible, with more overwhelming force
than ever. This was the more unaccountable to me, for I am naturally of
a humane and benevolent disposition; and, when not overpowered by a gust
of passion, timid and averse to acts of strife and violence of any
kind--shuddering and becoming faint at the sight of blood. My mental
sufferings, from these conflicts between my natural turn of mind and its
morbid state, became so great, that life grew a burden more than I could
long endure. Still, I shrunk from self-destruction; or, more properly
speaking, the thought never occurred to me; for, had it come with half
the force of the others by which I was enslaved, I would have, in a
moment, obeyed the impulse. I had no idea of any crime, or a wish to
witness the sufferings of the individual. I felt as a patriot might feel
who sacrifices all for the good of his country--immolating my own
feelings at the altar of science, and deeming the realization of my
dreams of vital importance to mankind, who had hitherto been unable to
discover the mysterious link that bound soul and body together.

At length, the thought came into my distracted mind that I might be
able to try the great experiment upon myself; and a sensation near akin
to joy came over me, as I turned over the various ways in which this
might be accomplished. My whole invention was at work, contriving the
safest mode in which I could approach nearest, without crossing "that
bourne from whence there is no return;" and I felt, for days, all the
pleasures and disappointments of a projector, adapting or rejecting the
various schemes by turns. Bred at a short distance from the beach, I
swam well. To fasten a weight to my body, sufficient to sink me, with a
knife in my hand, to cut the cord as the last pang came upon me, and
then rise to the surface, often presented itself, and was as often
rejected. I might be so weak, as not to rise, or, in my confusion, I
might stab myself in my effort to cut the cord, and the secret would be
lost. At length, I fixed upon the following mode. Unknown to my parents
or any one, I prepared the little room I had occupied from childhood,
and, with a feeling of pride, called my study, by carefully securing
from it all access of air, as far as was in my power; then, attaching a
cord to th