a feeling that
my task on earth was accomplished--that all that remained for me was to
die--that I was a cumberer of the earth. I never complained, but bore
all in silence. I cared not for myself; but when I looked to my parents,
I resolved to struggle on, and did struggle manfully. I felt as a
drowning man, who sees an object almost within his reach, that, were he
enabled to grasp it, would secure his safety. He struggles and plunges
towards it in vain, every succeeding effort only serving to diminish his
hopes of escape, while, by allowing himself to sink in the stream, he
would cease to suffer in a moment. To the eye of a casual observer, I
had regained my wonted health, neither was there any strong indication
of the change that had come over my feelings; yet to speak or act was
painful to me, and I could not endure to be looked at with more than a
passing glance--shrinking like a criminal, and fearing lest the thoughts
that were passing in my mind might be discovered.

A strange sensation had, for some time, taken possession of me. I felt
as if in a false position, by some means or other, to me
inscrutable--that I had, at some former period of existence, either on
this earth or some other planet, lived, acted, and witnessed, as I was
now doing. Nothing appeared new to me: every incident of unwonted
occurrence produced a dreamy effect of memory, as if I had experienced
it before. This frame of mind was more annoying than painful, for I even
at times felt a faint pleasure in it, and strove to anticipate events
that were lodged in the womb of futurity: but my efforts were vain; I
could not penetrate the mist; I could only recognise the objects as it
cleared away.

At this time I was so fortunate as to procure the situation of
amanuensis to a literary gentleman, who was employed upon a work of
great extent, but of little interest. My labour was entirely mechanical.
The confinement and the sedentary nature of my employment wrought still
greater change on me; for hours I have sat, like an automaton, copying
passages I felt no interest in, held only to my task by the
consciousness of being no longer burthensome to my parents. An entire
new train of ideas began to pass through my mind in rapid succession;
some of them so fearful and horrid that I trembled for myself. I felt as
if impelled to crime by some power almost irresistible, and a strange
pleasure in meditating upon deeds of blood took possession of me. My
favourit