im; but whether this disease may not
alien and remove my friends, so that _they stand aloof from my sore, and
my kinsmen stand afar off_,[61] I cannot tell. I cannot fear but that
thou wilt reckon with me from this minute, in which, by thy grace, I see
thee; whether this understanding, and this will, and this memory may not
decay, to the discouragement and the ill interpretation of them that see
that heavy change in me, I cannot tell. It was for thy blessed, thy
powerful Son alone, _to tread the wine-press alone, and none of the
people with him_.[62] I am not able to pass this agony alone, not alone
without thee; thou art thy spirit, not alone without thine; spiritual
and temporal physicians are thine, not alone without mine; those whom
the bands of blood or friendship have made mine, are mine; and if thou,
or thine, or mine, abandon me, I am alone, and woe unto me if I be
alone. Elias himself fainted under that apprehension, _Lo, I am left
alone_;[63] and Martha murmured at that, said to Christ, _Lord, dost not
thou care that my sister hath left me to serve alone?_[64] Neither could
Jeremiah enter into his lamentations from a higher ground than to say,
_How doth the city sit solitary that was full of people_.[65] O my God,
it is the leper that thou hast condemned to live alone;[66] have I such
a leprosy in my soul that I must die alone; alone without thee? Shall
this come to such a leprosy in my body that I must die alone; alone
without them that should assist, that should comfort me? But comes not
this expostulation too near a murmuring? Must I be concluded with that,
that Moses _was commanded to come near the Lord alone_;[67] that
solitariness, and dereliction, and abandoning of others, disposes us
best for God, who accompanies us most alone? May I not remember, and
apply too, that though God came not to Jacob till he found him alone,
yet when he found him alone, he wrestled with him, and lamed him;[68]
that when, in the dereliction and forsaking of friends and physicians, a
man is left alone to God, God may so wrestle with this Jacob, with this
conscience, as to put it out of joint, and so appear to him as that he
dares not look upon him face to face, when as by way of reflection, in
the consolation of his temporal or spiritual servants, and ordinances he
durst, if they were there? But a _faithful friend is the physic of life,
and they that fear the Lord shall find him_.[69] Therefore hath the Lord
afforded me both in