e recently constructed Hotel Columbia,
Mayor MADDERLEY and his amiable consort were, however, not so
fortunate. The Mayor, being shortsighted, mistook the two denizens of
the jungle for a couple of performing poodles, to whose training he
had devoted much of his leisure, and who, as it happened, were at that
precise moment expected on their return from the post-office, with
the Mayor's mail in their mouths--a trick which had often amused the
Mayor's friends. Mr. MADDERLEY advanced to stroke his supposed pets,
and was much surprised to find himself torn in pieces before he had
time to send for the city mace. Mrs. MADDERLEY, a stout, plethoric
lady, would have been the next victim, had she not, with extraordinary
presence of mind, declared herself dead the moment the animals
approached her. This deceit (which, however, has been the subject of
grave censure in many pulpits,) saved her life. Maddened by the taste
of blood, the tigers next attacked Mr. LARIAT's grocery store. Here,
however, they met their match in an army of Gorgonzola cheeses, which
broke from their shelves, attacked the intruders with wonderful
fury, and in ten minutes had so far subdued them that their owner
was able to recapture them, and lead them home. The obsequies of Mr.
MADDERLEY's shoes and his umbrella--all that was left of the unhappy
Mayor--have just taken place amidst universal demonstrations of
sympathy. The funeral _cortege_ took an hour to pass a given point.
Widow MADDERLEY proposes to sue the owner of her late husband's
assassins.

LYNCHVILLE, _March 3_.

Two brothers, named respectively JOHN and THOMAS, quarrelled here
yesterday about the ownership of a clasp-knife. They drew their
revolvers at the same instant, and fired at a distance of two paces.
Strangely enough the two deadly bullets met in the air, and, their
force being exactly equal, they stopped dead and dropped to the
ground, whence they were afterwards picked up and presented to the
trustees of the Lynchville Museum of Fine Art. Nothing daunted, the
fraternal contestants set to work with their bowie-knives, and were
only separated after JOHN had inflicted on THOMAS ten mortal wounds
and received from him one less. It is generally admitted that
nothing could have been fairer than the conduct of the police, who
formed a _cordon_ round the duellists, and thus prevented the fussy
interference which has so often brought similar affairs to a premature
termination. The two coffins