ters
commenting upon America, at one of whom he gets so indignant, that he
suggests as an appropriate _American_ translation of the F.R.S. which is
added to the author's name, "First Royal Scavenger."

He then gets into a fever about the remarks made by travellers upon what
they conceive to be the filthy practice of indiscriminate spitting. He
becomes quite furious because he has never found any work in which "an
upstart inlander has ever preached a crusade against the Turks because
they did not introduce knives and forks at their tables," &c. Even
Scripture--and this, be it remembered, by the sanction of _The Christian
Advocate_--is blasphemously quoted to extenuate the American practice of
expectoration. "What, after all, is there so unbearably revolting about
spitting? Our Saviour, in one of his early miracles, 'spat upon the
ground and made clay of the spittle, and anointed the eyes of the blind
man with the clay. And he said unto him, Go wash in the pool of Siloam.
He went his way therefore and washed, and came seeing.' I have with a
crowd of pilgrims gone down to drink from this very pool, for the water
had borrowed new virtue from the miracle." He then states his strong
inclination to learn to chew tobacco in order to show his contempt for
the opinions of travellers. What a beautiful picture to contemplate--a
popular author with a quid of Virginia before him; Nausea drawing it
back with one hand, and Vengeance bringing it forward with the other!
Suddenly a bright idea strikes him: others may do what he dare not; so
he makes the following stirring appeal to his countrymen: "Let us spit
out courageously before the whole world ... let us spit fearlessly and
profusely. Spitting on ordinary occasions may be regarded by a portion
of my countrymen as a luxury: it becomes a duty in the presence of an
Englishman. Let us spit around him--above him--beneath him--everywhere
but on him, that he may become perfectly familiar with the habit in all
its phases. I would make it the first law of hospitality to an
Englishman, that every tobacco-twist should be called into requisition,
and every spittoon be flooded, in order thoroughly to initiate him into
the mysteries of chewing. Leave no room for imagination to work. Only
spit him once into a state of friendly familiarity with the barbarous
custom," &c. What a splendid conception!--the population of a whole
continent organized under the expectorating banner of the illustrious
Matt