ppy. Was this jealousy? I believe it was.
When he left the school--it must have been about a year after I had
entered--I was at first very unhappy, but my fondness for him was soon
replaced by a passion for his sister, a girl about twelve years of age.
I had made her acquaintance through so often working with her brother,
and through visiting his parents' house. She was a pretty girl. At
first, after my friend had departed, I went to the house occasionally,
in order to hear some news of him, and of his doings in the school
abroad to which he had been sent. In the house that had been his home I
had also an indefinite feeling that I was near him once again. But
gradually my liking for his sister grew, and I was glad that her parents
gave me renewed invitations to the house, especially for the Sundays. To
be with this girl, to play with her, were to me an enduring source of
delight; and I remember that at this time I even developed a taste for
girlish amusements, which had hitherto been very disagreeable to me, and
for which later also my antipathy returned. Simultaneously with this
fondness for the girl, when I myself was about twelve years old I was
attracted by one of the schoolmasters, a man who ruled his classes very
strictly. My sentiments for this master were of exactly the same
character as those with which my tutor had formerly inspired me, but the
conditions of our intercourse were different, for I could see him only
in school, and on very rare occasions out of school hours, whereas in
the case of my tutor, who lived with us when I was at home, I could be
with him as much as I desired. This fondness for my schoolmaster
persisted simultaneously with the passion for the girl. When her brother
came home for the holidays, I saw him for a few days only, for I also
returned home for the holidays. Although I was by no means indifferent
to him, my former passionate affection for him had entirely disappeared.
My passion for his sister and for the schoolmaster lasted for a long
time. I also fell in love with a somewhat elderly female cousin who
chanced to visit our house. Growing older, I at length attained the age
of puberty, and experienced definite erections; these occurred
especially when I thought of my friend's sister; or when she touched me,
as occasionally happened, without, I believe, any sexual feeling on her
part. At this time also when erections had already begun, I still felt
definitely attracted by my schoolmas