inion. I have heard many anecdotes relative to this
question. A man who indulged freely was recommended to join the
society. "Now," said the minister, "you must allow that there is
nothing so good, so valuable to man as water. What is the first thing
you call for in sickness but water? What else can cool your parched
tongue like water? What did the rich man ask for when in fiery
torments? What does the wretch ask for when on the rack? You cannot
always drink spirits, but water you can. Water costs nothing; and you
save your money. Water never intoxicates, or prevents you from going to
your work. There is nothing like water. Come now, Peter, let me hear
your opinion."

"Well, then, sir, I think water is very good, very excellent indeed--for
navigation."

An old Dutchman, who kept an inn at Hoboken, had long resisted the
attacks of the Temperance Societies, until one night he happened to get
so very drunk, that he actually signed the paper and took the oath. The
next morning he was made acquainted with what he had unconsciously done,
and, much to the surprise of his friends, he replied, "Well, if I have
signed and have sworn, as you tell me I have, I must keep to my word;"
and from that hour the old fellow abstained altogether from his
favourite schnapps. But the leaving off a habit which had become
necessary had the usual result. The old man took to his bed, and at
last became seriously ill. A medical man was called in, and when he was
informed of what had occurred, perceived the necessity of some stimulus,
and ordered that his patient should take one ounce of French brandy
every day.

"An ounce of French brandy," said the old Dutchman, looking at the
prescription. "Well, dat is goot; but how much is an ounce?" Nobody
who was present could inform him. "I know what a quart, a pint, or a
gill of brandy is," said the Dutchman, "but I never yet have had a
customer call for an ounce. Well, my son, go to the schoolmaster; he is
a learned man, and tell him I wish to know how much is one ounce."

The message was carried. The schoolmaster, occupied with his pupils,
and not liking the interruption, hastily, and without further inquiries
of the messenger, turned over his Bonnycastle, and arriving at the table
of avoirdupois weight, replied, "Tell your father that _sixteen drams_
make an _ounce_."

The boy took back the message correctly, and when the old Dutchman heard
it, his countenance brightened up.