at the time of which I am now writing comes surging over me whenever
I touch upon the subject. Not that I did anything of which I need be
ashamed, but because I remember so vividly my motives and desires that
the old sensations return, even at this distant day, as a perfume, a
strain of music, the soft balminess of spring, or the sharp bite of
winter's frost may recall a moment of the past, and set the heart
throbbing or still it as of yore.

After leaving Bettina, I went back to Whitehall and dressed for a ball
which the queen was giving that night. It was an unfortunate time for me
to see Mary. My heart was full, not to overflowing, but to sinking, with
my love of Bettina and her love of me. There was nothing I would not have
given at that time to be able to take her as my wife. I should have been
glad to give my title, estates, and position--everything--to be a simple
tradesman or an innkeeper so that I might take Bettina with happiness to
her and without the damning sin of losing caste to me.

It was true the king's brother had made a marriage of comparatively the
same sort, but it is almost as impossible for a prince to lose caste as
it is difficult for a mere baron to keep it. Bettina would not be happy
in my sphere of life, nor could I live in hers, so what was there for me
to do but to keep my engagement with Mary Hamilton and, if I could, lose
my love for Bettina.

* * * * *

The queen's ball was to be held that night at St. James's Palace, and
I was glad to have the walk from Whitehall across the park. The night was
perfect. A slim moon hung in the west, considerately withholding a part
of her light that the stars might twinkle the brighter in their vain
effort to rival Bettina's eyes. The night wind came to me, odor-laden
from the roses, only to show me how poor a thing it was compared with
Bettina's breath upon my cheek and its sweetness in my nostrils. Now and
then a belated bird sang its sleepy song, only to remind me of the melody
of her lullabies, and the cooing dove moaned out its plaintive call lest
I forget the pain in her breast while selfishly remembering the ache in
my own. Then I thought of what the Good Book says about "bright clouds,"
and I prayed that my pain might make me a better man and might lead me to
help Bettina in the days of her sorrowing, which I knew were at hand.

Soon after I had kissed the hands of the king and the queen, I met
George's brot