loving seemed to
be her creation. She thought of nothing but of little coquettish acts
that made her more adorable, and of tender innuendos that triumph over
everything, that bring men to their knees and tempt them.

It was thus that I formerly dreamt of the woman who was to be my wife,
and this was the manner in which I looked on life in common; and now
this perpetual joy irritates me like a challenge, like some piece of
insolent boasting, and those lips that seek mine, and which offer
themselves so alluringly and coaxingly to me, make me sad and torture
me, as if they breathed nothing but a Lie.

Ah! If she had been the lover of another man before marriage, if she had
belonged to some one else besides me, it could only have been from love,
without altogether knowing what she wanted or what she was doing! And,
now, because she had acquired a name by marriage, because she had
accidentally extricated herself from that false step and thought she had
won the game, now that she fancied that I had not perceived anything,
that I adored her and possessed her absolutely!

How wretched I was! Should I never be able to escape from that night
which was growing darker and darker, which was imprisoning me, driving
me mad and raising an increasing and impenetrable barrier between Elaine
and me. Would not she, in the end, be the stronger, she whom I loved so
dearly, would not she envelope me in so much love, that at last I should
again find the happiness that I had lost, as if it were a calm, sunlit
haven, and thus forget this horrible nightmare when I fell on my knees
before her beauty, with a contrite heart and pricked by remorse, and
happy to give myself to her for ever, altogether and more passionately
than at the divine period of our betrothal.

PART XVI

Even the sight of our bedroom became painful to me. I was frightened of
it; I was uncomfortable there, and felt a kind of repulsion in going
there. It seemed to me as if Elaine were repeating a part that someone
else had taught her, and I almost hoped that in a moment of
forgetfulness she would allow her secret to escape her, and pronounce
some name that was not mine, and I used to keep awake, with my ears on
the alert, in the hope that she might betray herself in her sleep and
murmur some revealing word, as she recalled the past, and my temples
throbbed and my whole body trembled with excitement.

But when this was over and I saw her sleeping peacefully as a little
gi