thank you to the boot."

"It is much at your service, sir," said the stranger; "indeed, I was
thinking to lodge there for the night."

"I am glad to hear it," resumed Touchwood; "you shall be my guest, and I
will make them look after you in proper fashion--You seem to be a very
civil sort of fellow, and I do not find your arm inconvenient--it is the
rheumatism makes me walk so ill--the pest of all that have been in hot
climates when they settle among these d--d fogs."

"Lean as hard and walk as slow as you will, sir," said the benevolent
assistant--"this is a rough street."

"Yes, sir--and why is it rough?" answered Touchwood. "Why, because the
old pig-headed fool, Saunders Jaup, will not allow it to be made smooth.
There he sits, sir, and obstructs all rational improvement; and, if a
man would not fall into his infernal putrid gutter, and so become an
abomination to himself and odious to others, for his whole life to come,
he runs the risk of breaking his neck, as I have done to-night."

"I am afraid, sir," said his companion, "you have fallen on the most
dangerous side.--You remember Swift's proverb, 'The more dirt, the less
hurt.'"

"But why should there be either dirt or hurt in a well-regulated place?"
answered Touchwood--"Why should not men be able to go about their
affairs at night, in such a hamlet as this, without either endangering
necks or noses?--Our Scottish magistrates are worth nothing, sir--nothing
at all. Oh for a Turkish Cadi, now, to trounce the scoundrel--or the
Mayor of Calcutta to bring him into his court--or were it but an English
Justice of the Peace that is newly included in the commission, they
would abate the villain's nuisance with a vengeance on him!--But here we
are--this is the Cleikum Inn.--Hallo--hilloa--house!--Eppie
Anderson!--Beenie Chambermaid!--boy Boots!--Mrs. Dods!--are you all of
you asleep and dead?--Here have I been half murdered, and you let me
stand bawling at the door!"

Eppie Anderson came with a light, and so did Beenie Chambermaid with
another; but no sooner did they look upon the pair who stood in the
porch under the huge sign that swung to and fro with heavy creaking,
than Beenie screamed, flung away her candle, although a four in the
pound, and in a newly japanned candlestick, and fled one way, while
Eppie Anderson, echoing the yell, brandished her light round her head
like a Bacchante flourishing her torch, and ran off in another
direction.

"Ay--I must be