-cotton?" No, I didn't.

Playing billiards, when sufficiently recovered. Just executing
fiftieth spot-stroke in succession, when--an explosion! Cue driven out
of my hand, and half-way down marker's throat. Turns out that ball was
a mixture of Turkish Delight and nitroglycerine, and objected to my
hitting it. Marker brings action, and gets damages out of me.

Little later. New fancy waistcoat. Buttons like pearl. Rub one, to
give extra polish--Bang!--explosion. Where am I? In the middle of next
week, on which date I write this.

* * * * *

CON. BY A WELSHER.--Why has Wales more Clerks than England?--Because
it has a _Penman more_.

* * * * *

ENCOUNTER.

(_An Effort in the Spasmodic-Obscure, after the American Original
quoted by Mr. James Payn in "Our Note-Book."_)

Two Spooks, swirled fast along the Vast,
Meeting each other "at the double,"
Collided, squirmed, then howled aghast,
Each to the other, "What's _your_ trouble?"

"Alas!" one whined, "Rymed Rot I read,
Affected to admire, and quote it!"
The other wailed, with shame-bowed head,
"My case is even worse,--_I wrote it_!"

* * * * *

THE SCALE WITH THE FALSE WEIGHTS.

(_A PAGE FROM THE NEWGATE CALENDAR--UP-TO-DATE EDITION._)

The two Convicts were tried at the same Assizes, put in the same dock
and sentenced by the same Judge. So a companionship sprang up between
them considering that one was by birth and education a Gentlemen, and
the other was not. And they went to the same prison, and listened
to the same words of the same Chaplain, and took their occasional
exercise in the same practising yard. And as luck would have it, they
served the same time, and were liberated at the same moment.

"I am afraid I must say good-bye, GILES," said ST. JAMES, as they
emerged into freedom from the portals of the gaol. "Good fellow as you
are, GILES, you do not belong to my set, and your presence would be
embarrassing."

"Oh, would it!" returned GILES, who had already recognised some of his
friends. "Well, I don't want to press my company on anyone."

"No offence!" exclaimed ST. JAMES, "I beg you--no offence! But we have
both to begin life again, and union is not strength in a case such as
ours!"

"Oh, no offence!" acquiesced GILES, as he accompanied some of his pals
to a neighbouring public-house.

ST. JAMES, left to his own devices, hurr