e this every day. They never mount a horse from
the larboard side, they always mount him from the starboard; on the
other hand, they never milk a cow on the starboard side, they always
milk her on the larboard; it's why you see so many short people there,
they've got their heads kicked off. When they meet on the road they
don't turn to the right, they turn to the left. And so, from always
doing everything wrong end first, it makes them left-handed and
cross-eyed; they are all so. In those Islands, the cats haven't any
tails and the snakes haven't any teeth; and, what is still more
irregular, the man that loses a game gets the pot. As to dress, the
women all wear a single garment, but the men don't. No, the men don't
wear anything at all; they hate display; when they wear a smile they
think they are overdressed. Speaking of birds, the only bird there that
has ornamental feathers has only two, just only enough to squeeze
through with, and they are under its wings instead of on top of its
head, where, of course, they ought to be to do any good.

"The natives' language is soft and liquid and flexible, and in every way
efficient and satisfactory till you get mad; then, there you are; there
isn't anything in it to swear with. Good judges all say it is the best
Sunday language there is; but then all the other six days of the week it
just hangs idle on your hands; it isn't any good for business, and you
can't work a telephone with it. Many a time the attention of the
missionaries has been called to this defect, and they are always
promising they are going to fix it; but no, they go fooling along and
fooling along, and nothing is done. Speaking of education, everybody
there is educated, from the highest to the lowest; in fact, it is the
only country in the world where education is actually universal. And yet
every now and then you run across instances of ignorance that are simply
revolting, simply revolting to the human race. Think of it, there the
ten takes the ace. But let us not dwell on such things. They make a
person ashamed. Well, the missionaries are always going to fix that, but
they put it off, and put it off, and put it off, and so that nation is
going to keep on going down, and down, until some day you will see a
pair of jacks beat a straight flush.

"Well, it is refreshment to the jaded, water to the thirsty, to look
upon men who have so lately breathed the soft air of these Isles of the
Blest, and had before their