to be ashamed of
owning up. He was bald-headed and, despite the twinkling eyes behind his
spectacles, solemn-looking. His bald head felt a draught from an open
port-hole during dinner on the first night out, and it was when he asked
the "waiter" to "close the window" that the "seasoned traveller" (as
they love to call themselves) snapped up his cue. Turning in his seat
and bringing his wide white shirt-front to bear full upon his victim, he
raised a foghorn voice and asked the dreaded question:

"Ever been abroad before?"

We all squirmed with sympathy for the little man.

"No," he replied, looking up with a mild, innocent expression.

The shirt-front bulged; the watery blue eyes looked up and down the
table for attention, then:

"That so?" with a patronising air of feigned surprise. "_I've_ been
over thirty-four times!"

"Ever been in Omaha?" returned the lawyer blandly.

"Why--no."

"That so?" replied the lawyer, with fine mimetic quality. "_I_ go there
every week!"

* * * * *

Oh, Innocents, as you set out on your first trip abroad, don't let
yourself be bullied by the boastful! Call the steward a waiter, call the
port-hole a window, call the promenade deck the front porch, but call
oh, call the transatlantic bully down! Be ready for him the instant he
bawls that he's a member of the Travellers' Club. For the rest, be the
ingenuous traveller, if you like. Be the man who has a mania for sitting
at the captain's table, the man who goes abroad to get a lot of labels
on his suit-case, the man who buys a set on Broadway (for two dollars)
and sticks them on at home, the man who howls when bands play "Dixie,"
the man who wears the Stars and Stripes upon his hat, the man who
gambles with the racy-looking stranger underneath the warning smoke-room
sign (and stops payment on the cheque by cable), be personally
conducted, be anything you like; but if you ever get to patronising
people who are sea-sick, if you ever get to being proud of having
crossed the ocean oftener than little Kansas City lawyers, do this:

Wait until the ship is settled for the night, go out on the dark deck,
step over to the rail, and place the left hand lightly but firmly upon
it. Then give an upward and outward jump, raising the feet and legs to
the right, in such manner as to permit them to pass freely over the
obstruction. When they are well over, remove the left hand from the
rail. This is called vaulting.