ide-dish at a cannibal
banquet, when TIPPOO TIB arrived and released me.

_Tanganyika again!_--Back here safe and sound! TIPPOO TIB turned out
most unsatisfactory. Wanted to marry me!--with a hundred other wives
already! Not prepared for _this_ sort of home-life. Managed to get
away by describing to him a Remington typewriter, and promising if he
let me go, to bring one back _at once_.

Find that my "rear-guard"--the negress and Arabs--have been up to
fearful pranks during my absence. Negress killed and ate one of Arabs,
and then other Arab killed and ate negress! Tell remaining Arab I
shall have him punished when I get to Coast. Arab says he'll get there
first, and publish a book showing _me_ up!

_Latest_.--Left alone in middle of Africa, with a phonograph, several
bales of baggage, and a diary. Question now is--will Feminine Tact
show me road to Zanzibar?

* * * * *

UNIVERSITY HONOURS.--"SMITH's Prizeman"--ARTHUR BALFOUR. The "Senior
Wrangler" (for several years past)--Mr. GLADSTONE.

* * * * *

THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTE-BOOK.

(_FOR THE USE OF PROFESSIONAL DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR
ENTERTAINERS._)

_The Meeting of Parliament_.--This is not a very promising subject,
but mild mirth may be produced in outlying districts (say Southend or
Honiton, Devon) by observing, that the rock upon which the Irish Party
went to pieces was a happy one--in fact, a GLAD-STONE. This, strictly
speaking, is _not_ a new jest, and therefore must be helped out by
a burst of self-supplied laughter. You might add, that as Members of
Parliament are obliged, by the rules of the House, to address their
colleagues _standing_, there would he little chance of a _seated_
discussion. But you must, however, take care to cough when you say
_seated_, so that those on the look-out for a brilliant _bon-mot_ may
know that you mean _heated_.

_The Revolt in Chili_.--The name of the place in which the
disturbances have occurred will help you effectively to remark that
the outbreak is seasonable during the present inclement weather. As
the Army sympathises with the Government, and the sister service
with the rioters, you can suggest "that knaves would, of course, be
supported by the _Navy_!" This may lead up to a really magnificent
burst of waggery in the assertion that the dissentients must of
necessity be "all at sea."

_The New Archbishop of York_.--Insist that his Grac