existing cook
always declared loudly her astonishment at the base ingenuity of such
conduct, although I could not fail to recognise many a plate or dish
which had disappeared from the land of the living during her reign.

All housekeepers will sympathise with my feelings at seeing an amateur
scullion, who had distinguished himself greatly in the Balaklava charge,
but who appeared to have no idea that boiling water would scald his
fingers,--drop the top plate of a pile which he had placed in a tub
before him. In spite of my entreaties to be allowed to "wash-up" myself,
he gallantly declared that he could do it beautifully, and that the
great thing was to have the water very hot. In pursuance of this theory
he poured the contents of a kettle of boiling water over his plates,
plunged his hand in, and dropped the top plate, with a shriek of
dismay, on those beneath it. Out of consideration for that well-meaning
emigrant's feelings, I abstain from publishing the list of the killed
and wounded, briefly stating that he might almost as well have fired
a shot among my poor plates. A perfect fountain of water and chips and
bits of china flew up into the air, and I really believe that hardly
one plate remained uncracked. So much for one's friends. I must candidly
state that although the servants broke a good deal, we destroyed twice
as much amongst us during the week which must needs elapse between their
departure and, the arrival of the new ones.

Shall I ever forget the guilty pallor which overspread the bronzed and
bearded countenance of one of my guests, who particularly wished to dust
the drawing-room ornaments, when on hearing a slight crash I came into
the room and found him picking up the remains of a china shepherdess?
Considering everything, I kept my temper remarkably well, merely
observing that he had better go into the verandah and sit down with a
book and his pipe, and send Joey in to help me. Joey was a little black
monkey from Panama, who had to be provided with broken bits of delf or
china in order that he might amuse himself by breaking them ingeniously
into smaller fragments.

But the real object of this chapter was to relate some of my own private
misfortunes in the cooking line. Once, when Alice S---- was staying with
me and we had no servants, she and I undertook to bake a very infantine
and unweaned pig. It was all properly arranged for us, and, making up a
good fire, we proceeded to cook the little monst