us
dream of his passions. He might have been so happy, wherefore had he
repelled this happiness? His love became serious, when however it was
too late.

Weighed down by all this mental pressure he soon became quite another
man to the public. The Jesuitical tirades, by which he had formerly
excited the wonderment of the young came no more from his lips. Since a
genuine feeling had found admission into his heart, the pious phrases
fell away from him as withered leaves. The living seed of life, budding
in him, cast out all that was false, fictitious or mendacious. He
prayed much for himself, in the pulpit the words seemed to choke him.
Even when following the coffins of those whom he accompanied to their
last resting place, he felt himself void, inwardly dried up and
wretched. It was no reality to him, that the sorrows of those left
behind and for whom he prayed filled his heart. They might go and beg
for aught he cared. It was no verity to him that the fate of the
deceased in another world troubled him, he might go down to Hell or to
Heaven, as it might please God. Sorrow for sin is egotistical and
destroys all feeling of pity for the grief of others. One single wish
filled his breast as he walked behind the hearse in his black gown, to
be himself within that narrow coffin about to be imbedded in the cold
still earth, above which bloomed the trees and flowers, the birds sang,
and clouds by day passed over so lovingly, on which at night the moon
shone so quietly and peacefully. All the spiritual commonplaces, with
which he had formerly drawn forth the tears of those attending a
christian's funeral, were now wiped away from his memory. Since that a
veritable feeling now ruled him, sorrow for his lost happiness, he
experienced no longer those fictitious emotions, those false
sensations. The veneration of others, for him a sinner, weighed him
down to the ground. Every salutation due to his position, told him that
he was a liar, and he felt ashamed of an office, from which his heart
was so far distant.

As he was once again preparing himself to hold divine service, this
feeling over-mastered him. "And wherefore dost thou not break loose
from these bonds?" he asked himself. "Who has told thee, that this can
be thine only vocation? Why willst thou not prove which is stronger, a
fate, which years ago seized upon a mere boy, or the riper will of a
man?" For the first time he determined to act without consulting
Pigavetta, and t