eight, while
Ladbury weighed 7st. 14-1/4 lb."--_Yorkshire Post._

Rather bad luck on the Welshman, who had been sprinting madly round the
arena for some hours with eight ounces which nobody wanted, to find
afterwards that LADBURY'S extra four ounces were entirely ignored.

* * * * *

"Since tea the crowd had swelled considerably."

_South African News._

An air of dough-nuts hangs over this sentence.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _The Lady._ "HALLO, COUNT! WHAT'S HAPPENED?"

_The Count_ (_who has come off at the third obstacle_). "ONCE I JUMP AND MY
HORSE HE CATCH ME; THEN I JUMP AND HE ONLY CATCH ME A LITTLE; ANOZER TIME I
JUMP AND HE MISS ME ALTOGEZER."]

* * * * *

THE QUALITIES THAT COUNT.

(_Suggested by a recent vindication of the "right but ruffling attitude" of
the new and true artist._)

If you're anxious to acquire a reputation
For enlightened and emancipated views,
You must hold it as a duty to discard the cult of Beauty
And discourage all endeavours to amuse.
You must back the man who, obloquy enduring,
Subconsciousness determines to express;
Who, in short, is "elemental," "unalluring,"
But "arresting" in his Art--or in his dress.

Again, if you're desirous of attaining
Pre-eminence in places where they play,
Don't supply the smallest spoonful of the pleasing or the tuneful
Or you'll chuck your very finest chance away.
But be truculent, ferocious and ungentle
And the critics will infallibly acclaim
Your work as unalluring, elemental
But arresting and exalted in its aim.

Or is your cup habitually brimming
With water from the Heliconian fount?
Then remember the hubristic, the profane and pugilistic
Are the only kinds of poetry that count.
So select a tragic argument, ensuring
The maximum expenditure of gore,
And the epithets arresting, unalluring,
Elemental, will re-echo as before.

But if your bent propels you into fiction,
You should clearly and completely understand
That your duty in a novel is not to soar, but grovel,
If you want it to be profitably banned.
So be lavish and effusive in suggesting
A malignant and mephitic atmosphere,
And you're sure to be applauded as arresting,
Elemental, unalluring and sincere.

If you meditate a matrimonial venture
That will turn the che