ss it. But
do you know what angers me? It annoys me that all those stupid brutish
faces will be gaping at me directly, pestering me with their stupid
questions, which I shall have to answer--they'll point their fingers at
me.... Tfoo! You know I am not going to Porfiry, I am sick of him. I'd
rather go to my friend, the Explosive Lieutenant; how I shall surprise
him, what a sensation I shall make! But I must be cooler; I've become
too irritable of late. You know I was nearly shaking my fist at my
sister just now, because she turned to take a last look at me. It's
a brutal state to be in! Ah! what am I coming to! Well, where are the
crosses?"

He seemed hardly to know what he was doing. He could not stay still or
concentrate his attention on anything; his ideas seemed to gallop after
one another, he talked incoherently, his hands trembled slightly.

Without a word Sonia took out of the drawer two crosses, one of cypress
wood and one of copper. She made the sign of the cross over herself and
over him, and put the wooden cross on his neck.

"It's the symbol of my taking up the cross," he laughed. "As though I
had not suffered much till now! The wooden cross, that is the peasant
one; the copper one, that is Lizaveta's--you will wear yourself, show
me! So she had it on... at that moment? I remember two things like
these too, a silver one and a little ikon. I threw them back on the old
woman's neck. Those would be appropriate now, really, those are what I
ought to put on now.... But I am talking nonsense and forgetting what
matters; I'm somehow forgetful.... You see I have come to warn you,
Sonia, so that you might know... that's all--that's all I came for. But
I thought I had more to say. You wanted me to go yourself. Well, now I
am going to prison and you'll have your wish. Well, what are you crying
for? You too? Don't. Leave off! Oh, how I hate it all!"

But his feeling was stirred; his heart ached, as he looked at her. "Why
is she grieving too?" he thought to himself. "What am I to her? Why does
she weep? Why is she looking after me, like my mother or Dounia? She'll
be my nurse."

"Cross yourself, say at least one prayer," Sonia begged in a timid
broken voice.

"Oh certainly, as much as you like! And sincerely, Sonia, sincerely...."

But he wanted to say something quite different.

He crossed himself several times. Sonia took up her shawl and put
it over her head. It was the green _drap de dames_ shawl of which
M