act that all of them appeared to be on duty
at the time of my latest visit. If there was a single absentee from
the ranks I failed to miss him.

There they were, the same hawk-eyed banditti crew that one was
constantly encountering in the old days; and up to all the same old
tricks too--such as adding the date of the month and all the figures
of the year into the bill; and such as invariably recommending the
most expensive dishes to foreigners; and such as coming to one and
bending over one and smiling upon one and murmuring to one: "An' wot
will ze gentailman 'ave to-day?"--and then, before the gentailman can
answer, jumping right in and telling him what he is going to have,
always favouring at least three different kinds of meats for even the
lightest meal, and never less than two vegetables, and never once
failing to recommend a full bottle of the costliest wine on the
premises.

Stress of war had not caused these gentry to forget or forgo a single
one of the ancient wiles that for half a century their kind has
practised upon American tourists and others who didn't care what else
they did with their money so long as they were given a chance to spend
it for something they didn't particularly want. Yep; those charged
with the responsibility of calling up the reserves certainly made a
big mistake back yonder in August of 1914. They practised
discrimination in the wrong quarter altogether. If any favouritism was
to be shown they should have taken the head waiters and left the
Apaches at home.

Many's the hard battle that I had with these chaps in 1918. It never
failed--not one single, solitary time did it fail--that the
functionary who took my order first tried to tell me what my order was
going to be, and then, after a struggle, reluctantly consented to
bring me the things I wanted and insisted on having. Never once did he
omit the ceremony of impressing it upon me that he would regard it as
a deep favour if only I would be so good as to order a whole lobster.
I do not think there was anything personal in this; he recommended the
lobster because lobster was the most expensive thing he had in stock.
If he could have thought of anything more expensive than lobster he
would have recommended that.

I always refused--not that I harbour any grudge against lobsters as a
class, but because I object to being dictated to by a buccaneer with
flat feet, who wears a soiled dickey instead of a shirt, and who is
only waiting for