oints on the etiquette of
being a hero, which I have studied from observation in this country.

Brave Togie:--When you get home in Tokio or Yokohama, or
Communipaw, or wherever it is, keep the face closed, more
especially in the region of the mouth, because the moment a hero
begins to speak somebody will misconstrue what he says and get him
talking politics when he only meant to say, "Drink hearty!"

Clever Togie:--Don't ever talk with an ambitious reporter unless
you have a baseball mask over the face and a mosquito netting over
the vocabulary; because if you only say to him, "How's the health?"
you will find in the morning paper a column interview, in which you
have decided to run for Mikado on the Democratic ticket.

Good Togie:--When you arrive at the depot in your home town you
will find lined up in front of the baggage-room about sixty-seven
young ladies, all with their lips puckered up in the most
kissifactory manner--but don't do it, Togie.

Friend Togie:---Resist the awful temptation to go down the line and
plant burning kisses on the front teeth of these beautiful maidens,
because after planting these kisses the harvest will be the long
grass of oblivion, and you will find yourself rushing madly through
the comic papers trying to bite all the fair ladies therein.

Fine Togie:--When you meet this awful situation, as meet it you
will, sneer gently at the puckered lips and repeat over and over
that old proverb, _Osculation is the thief of reputation_.

Then with a haughty glance at the lady kissing bugs jump quickly
into your ginrickeyshaw and gallop swiftly home to the loving arms
of your wife.

If the kissing buggettas should follow you to the sacred precincts
of the home circle send your mother-in-law out with the broomstick,
and may a kind Heaven help those who cannot run fast enough.

Beloved Togie:--Now listen with all your ears. This advise I give
you from the heart. _Don't let any committee present you with a
house_.

Handsome Togie:--Avoid this house proposition as you would a
creditor.

Remember, Togie, that the public likes to honor a hero by giving
him something expensive, and then dishonor him afterwards by
watching what he does with it.

Noble Togie:--There are only two ways a hero can remain a hero in
this strange world of ours. One way is to die just after he has
heroed, and the other way is to get in a glass case and stay
there--but he must buy the glass case himself.

Unbeata