to take in
to dinner; and what the plague is her jewels and laces, and silks and
sattins, and wigs to me? As it is, I have a chance to have a gall to
take in that's a jewel herself--one that don't want no settin' off, and
carries her diamonds in her eyes, and so on. I've told our minister not
to introduce me as an Attache no more, but as Mr. Nobody, from the State
of Nothin', in America, _that's natur agin_.

"But to get back to the dinner. Arter you are in marchin' order, you
move in through two rows of sarvants in uniform. I used to think they
was placed there for show, but it's to keep the air off of folks a goin'
through the entry, and it ain't a bad thought, nother.

"Lord, the first time I went to one o' these grand let offs I felt
kinder skeery, and as nobody was allocated to me to take in, I goes in
alone, not knowin' where I was to settle down as a squatter, and kinder
lagged behind; when the butler comes and rams a napkin in my hand, and
gives me a shove, and sais he, 'Go and stand behind your master, sir,'
sais he. Oh Solomon! how that waked me up. How I curled inwardly when he
did that. 'You've mistaken the child,' sais I mildly, and I held out
the napkin, and jist as he went to take it, I gave him a sly poke in the
bread basket, that made him bend forward and say 'eugh.' 'Wake Snakes,
and walk your chalks,' sais I, 'will you?' and down I pops on the fust
empty chair. Lord, how white he looked about the gills arterwards;
I thought I should a split when I looked at him. Guess he'll know an
Attache when he sees him next time.

"Well, there is dinner. One sarvice of plate is like another sarvice
of plate, any one dozen of sarvants are like another dozen of sarvants,
hock is hock, and champaigne is champaigne--and one dinner is like
another dinner. The only difference is in the thing itself that's
cooked. Veal, to be good, must look like any thing else but veal; you
mustn't know it when you see it, or it's vulgar; mutton must be incog.
too; beef must have a mask on; any thin' that looks solid, take a spoon
to; any thin' that looks light, cut with a knife; if a thing looks like
fish, you may take your oath it is flesh; and if it seems rael flesh,
it's only disguised, for it's sure to be fish; nothin' must be
nateral, natur is out of fashion here. This is a manufacturin' country,
everything is done by machinery, and that that ain't must be made to
look like it; and I must say, the dinner machinery is parfect.