. The pictures!
the remarkable pictures! All that is meant by culture! The brown
photographs! Oh! Lector, indeed I have done you a wrong!), and I would
certainly not have the bad taste to say anything upon religion. Above
all, I would be terse.

AUCTOR. I see. You would not pile words one on the other, qualifying,
exaggerating, conditioning, superlativing, diminishing, connecting,
amplifying, condensing, mouthing, and glorifying the mere sound: you
would be terse. You should be known for your self-restraint. There
should be no verbosity in your style (God forbid!), still less
pomposity, animosity, curiosity, or ferocity; you would have it neat,
exact, and scholarly, and, above all, chiselled to the nail. A fig
(say you), the pip of a fig, for the rambling style. You would be led
into no hilarity, charity, vulgarity, or barbarity. Eh! my jolly
Lector? You would simply say what you had to say?

LECTOR. Precisely; I would say a plain thing in a plain way.

AUCTOR. So you think one can say a plain thing in a plain way? You
think that words mean nothing more than themselves, and that you can
talk without ellipsis, and that customary phrases have not their
connotations? You think that, do you? Listen then to the tale of Mr
Benjamin Franklin Hard, a kindly merchant of Cincinnati, O., who had
no particular religion, but who had accumulated a fortune of six
hundred thousand dollars, and who had a horror of breaking the
Sabbath. He was not 'a kind husband and a good father,' for he was
unmarried; nor had he any children. But he was all that those words
connote.

This man Hard at the age of fifty-four retired from business, and
determined to treat himself to a visit to Europe. He had not been in
Europe five weeks before he ran bang up against the Catholic Church.
He was never more surprised in his life. I do not mean that I have
exactly weighed all his surprises all his life through. I mean that he
was very much surprised indeed--and that is all that these words
connote.

He studied the Catholic Church with extreme interest. He watched High
Mass at several places (hoping it might be different). He thought it
was what it was not, and then, contrariwise, he thought it was not
what it was. He talked to poor Catholics, rich Catholics, middle-class
Catholics, and elusive, wellborn, penniless, neatly dressed,
successful Catholics; also to pompous, vain Catholics; humble,
uncertain Catholics; sneaking, pad-footed Catholics; health