ugly preacher, whose face
became illumined into beauty, by the inspired glory within. And you
added that you never thought him ugly again; but he would always be
plain. And you said it was not the sort of face one would want to have
always before one at meals; but that you were not called upon to
undergo that discipline, which would be sheer martyrdom to you."

"I was so interested, at the time; and so amused at the unconscious way
in which you stood and explained this, to quite the plainest woman of
your acquaintance, that I recorded it very fully in my journal.--Alas!
On that important night, I read the words, over and over, until they
took morbid hold upon my brain. Then--such is the self-consciousness
awakened in a woman by the fact that she is loved and sought--I turned
on all the lights around my mirror, and critically and carefully
examined the face you would have to see every day behind your
coffee-pot at breakfast, for years and years, if I said 'Yes,' on the
morrow. Darling, I did not see myself through your eyes, as, thank God,
I have done since. And I DID NOT TRUST YOUR LOVE TO STAND THE TEST. It
seemed to me, I was saving both of us from future disappointment and
misery, by bravely putting away present joy, in order to avoid certain
disenchantment. My beloved, it will seem to you so coolly calculating,
and so mean; so unworthy of the great love you were even then lavishing
upon me. But remember, for years, your remarkable personal grace and
beauty had been a source of pleasure to me; and I had pictured you
wedded to Pauline Lister, for instance, in her dazzling whiteness, and
soft radiant youth. So my morbid self-consciousness said: 'What! This
young Apollo, tied to my ponderous plainness; growing handsomer every
year, while I grow older and plainer?' Ah, darling! It sounds so
unworthy, now we know what our love is. But it sounded sensible and
right that night; and at last, with a bosom that ached, and arms that
hung heavy at the thought of being emptied of all that joy, I made up
my mind to say 'no.' Ah, believe me, I had no idea what it already
meant to you. I thought you would pass on at once to another fancy; and
transfer your love to one more able to meet your needs, at every point.
Honestly, Garth, I thought I should be the only one left
desolate.--Then came the question: how to refuse you. I knew if I gave
the true reason, you would argue it away, and prove me wrong, with
glowing words, before which