o care for, myself.
Sometimes I think maybe I could make a man get excited about me if
I could take a startlingly personal tone with him from the
beginning, making him wonder all sorts of you-and-I perhapses--but
I couldn't do it very well probably--oh, I couldn't make myself do
it if I could do it well! And I shouldn't think it would have much
effect except upon very inexperienced men--yet it does! Now, I
wonder if this is a streak of sourness coming out; I don't feel
bitter--I'm just thinking honestly, I'm sure.

"Well, here I am facing it: all through my later childhood, and
all through my girlhood, I believe what really occupied me
most--with the thought of it underlying all things else, though
often buried very deep--was the prospect of my marriage. I
regarded it as a certainty: I would grow up, fall in love, get
engaged, and be married--of course! So I grew up and fell in love
with You--but it stops there, and I must learn how to be an Old
Maid and not let anybody see that I mind it. I know this is the
hardest part of it, the beginning: it will get easier by-and-by,
of course. If I can just manage this part of it, it's bound not to
hurt so much later on.

"Yes, I grew up and fell in love with You--for you will always be
You. I'll never, never get over _that_, my dear! You'll never,
never know it; but I shall love You always till I die, and if I'm
still Me after that, I shall keep right on loving you then, of
course. You see, I didn't fall in love with you just to have you
for myself. I fell in love with You! And that can never bother you
at all nor ever be a shame to me that I love unsought, because you
won't know, and because it's just an ocean of good-will, and every
beat of my heart sends a new great wave of it toward you and Cora.
I shall find happiness, I believe, in service--I am sure there
will be times when I can serve you both. I love you both and I can
serve her for You and you for her. This isn't a hysterical mood,
or a fit of `exaltation': I have thought it all out and I know
that I can live up to it. You are the best thing that can ever
come into her life, and everything I can do shall be to keep you
there. I must be very, very careful with her, for talk and advice
do not influence her much. You love her--she has accepted you, and
it is beautiful for you both. It must be kept beautiful. It has
all become so clear to me: You are just what she has always
needed, and if by any mischance she lost you