Often for many nights together no
sleep visited my eyes, which were flowing with tears. Thus my
imagination accustomed itself to view the whole world as nothing but a
place of punishment, where sorrow and need were the lot of all, and
such as were raised above the sordid wants of life were but in a yet
sadder state of silly delusion, in which they neither recognized their
own calling nor the destiny of mankind, but giving themselves up to
vapid pleasures and pitiful comforts reeled along toward the grave.
One single star shed its light through this dark gloom,--but it was as
far beyond my reach as if it had stood in the heavens,--my relation
Elizabeth, whom you saw: she was rich, highborn, and bred to a life of
splendour and luxury. A cousin of mine, Helbach, who was still richer
and haughtier, was designed for her husband: our family scarcely ever
saw these proud relations of theirs; and my stern father had a special
hatred for them, and never spake but with rancour of their
extravagance. This hatred he also transferred to me, when he
discovered my secret and strong affection. He gave me his curse, if I
ever dared to think of that lovely and beloved being. Nor was it long
before she was married to her overbearing kinsman; one stream of
wealth flowed into the other, and produced such a splendid way of
living that the whole town felt envy at it. My mother's brother, who
gave his son this large fortune, was so much ashamed of our poverty,
that he did not even invite my parents to the wedding; which so
greatly increast the vexation and annoyance of my father, already a
prey to bitter mortification, that the after-throes of this insult
brought him to the grave. My poor mother soon followed him. Of myself
I will say nothing. If life had hitherto worn a dark aspect in my
eyes, it now changed into a spectre, whose ghastly, distorted features
and looks at first struck me with horrour, and afterward, when use
made me cold and indifferent, taught me to despise everything, above
all myself. Elizabeth had known of my passion. Rarely as we saw each
other, she had taken no pains to conceal the affection with which she
answered mine. Though she was not like me utterly dead to all joy, yet
a shade was cast over her whole existence, and heavy clouds covered
it. She has suffered enough since. Her husband was a profligate
spendthrift; he squandered thousands from vanity, and for paltry,
contemptible purposes. It would look as if a number o