e-mer_ a name!
If organ-grinders ground a strain
That never, never came;
If oysters stuck at eighteen pence;
If ladies loathed "The Stores;"
If Tax-collectors had the sense
To overlook my doors!

If sermons stopped themselves to suit
A congregation's pain;
If everyone who played the flute
Were sentenced to be slain;
If larks with truffles sang on trees,
If cooks were made in heaven;
And if, at sea-side spots, the seas
Shut up from nine till seven.

If _I_ might photograph the fiend
Who mauls me with his lens,
If supercilious barbers leaned
Their heads for _me_ to cleanse!
If weather blushed to wreck my plans,
If tops were never twirled;
If "Ifs and ands were pots and pans,"--
'Twould be a pleasant world!

* * * * *

SUMMARY OF RESULT FOR OLD CATHOLIC CONGRESS.--_Lucerna Lucellum_.

* * * * *

LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.

_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square_.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I got so wet on the St. Leger day, that I've been in
bed ever since--not because I had to wait till my things were dry--but
because I caught a cold! _What_ a day it was!--I am told that in
addition to the St. Leger, Doncaster is chiefly celebrated for _Butter
Scotch_--if so, I presume they don't make it out-of-doors, or it
would have stood a good chance of being melted--(not in the mouth)--on
Wednesday fortnight! But the excitement of the race fully made
up for the liquid weather, and we all--(except the backers of
_Orme_)--enjoyed ourselves. I was told that the Duke of WESTMINSTER
had "left the Leger at Goodwood," which is simply absurd, as I not
only saw it run for at Doncaster myself, but it is ridiculous to
insinuate that the Duke went there, put the Leger in his pocket--(as
if a Nobleman ever kept books)--walked off quietly to Goodwood and
left it there deliberately!

I conclude it can only be an expression coined to discount--(another
ledger term)--the victory of _La Fleche_,--to which not half enough
attention has been drawn, solely (in my opinion) because _La Fleche_
is of the gentler sex, and men don't like the "horse of the year" to
be a mare.

I still maintain she was unlucky to lose the Derby, as she won
the Oaks two days later in two seconds quicker time:--(which is an
anachronism--as if you win _once_ out of _twice_--how can it be two
_seconds_?)

There was good sport at Yarmouth last week, th