tave I was not indeed an innocent, but
I thought of my rare escapades as crimes. My uncle was so truly angelic,
and I was so much afraid of grieving him, that in all those four years
I had never spent a night out. The good man would wait till I came in
to go to bed. This maternal care had more power to keep me within bounds
than the sermons and reproaches with which the life of a young man
is diversified in a puritanical home. I was a stranger to the various
circles which make up the world of Paris society; I only knew some women
of the better sort, and none of the inferior class but those I saw as I
walked about, or in the boxes at the play, and then only from the depths
of the pit where I sat. If, at that period, any one had said to me, 'You
will see Canalis, or Camille Maupin,' I should have felt hot coals in
my head and in my bowels. Famous people were to me as gods, who neither
spoke, nor walked, nor ate like other mortals.

"How many tales of the Thousand-and-one Nights are comprehended in the
ripening of a youth! How many wonderful lamps must we have rubbed before
we understand that the True Wonderful Lamp is either luck, or work, or
genius. In some men this dream of the aroused spirit is but brief; mine
has lasted until now! In those days I always went to sleep as Grand Duke
of Tuscany,--as a millionaire,--as beloved by a princess,--or famous! So
to enter the service of Comte Octave, and have a hundred louis a year,
was entering on independent life. I had glimpses of some chance of
getting into society, and seeking for what my heart desired most, a
protectress, who would rescue me from the paths of danger, which a young
man of two-and-twenty can hardly help treading, however prudent and well
brought up he may be. I began to be afraid of myself.

"The persistent study of other people's rights into which I had plunged
was not always enough to repress painful imaginings. Yes, sometimes in
fancy I threw myself into theatrical life; I thought I could be a great
actor; I dreamed of endless triumphs and loves, knowing nothing of the
disillusion hidden behind the curtain, as everywhere else--for every
stage has its reverse behind the scenes. I have gone out sometimes, my
heart boiling, carried away by an impulse to rush hunting through Paris,
to attach myself to some handsome woman I might meet, to follow her
to her door, watch her, write to her, throw myself on her mercy, and
conquer her by sheer force of passion. My p