ead--may his soul
rest in peace!--I will not deny you, because you have been my most
intense earthly pleasure, because through you I first learnt to know
that I possessed a soul and because you thus brought me nearer to what I
now see before me; but yet, what were you but earthliness? And my
chaster imperial love, what were you too but earthliness? Gentle
sovereign of my soul, what will God have you be but earthly? An empire
awaits you, a crown, a sceptre, an empress. God wills it and therefore
it is good, that you are earthly, while your earthliness is at the same
time consecrated by your pious faith. But I, I have been less than
merely earthly: I was sinful. And now I wish that my heart should wholly
die within me, because it is nothing than sin. Then shall my heart be
born again, in new life....

"I have prayed. For hours I lay on the cold marble in the chapel, till
my knees pained me and my limbs were stiff. I have confessed my sinful
life to my sainted confessor, his lordship of Vaza. Oh, the sweetness of
absolution and the ecstasy of prayer! Why do we not earlier feel the
blessed consolation that lies in the performance of our religious
duties! Oh, if I could lose myself utterly in that sweet mystery, in
God; if I could go into a convent! But I have my two stepdaughters. I
must bring them into society; it is my duty. And the bishop thinks that
that is my penance and my punishment: never to be able to withdraw into
a hallowed seclusion, but to continue breathing the sinful atmosphere of
the world.

"I will give my castle in Lycilia, where we never go--my own castle and
estate--to our Holy Church for a convent for Ursulines of gentle birth.
I went there with the bishop the other day. Oh, the great gloomy rooms,
the shadowy frescoes, the sombre park! And the chapel, when the new
windows are added, through which the light will fall in a mystic medley
of colour! My dearest wish is to be allowed to grow old there, and to
die far away from the world: but shall I ever be permitted? Holy Mother
of God, shall I ever be permitted?

* * * * *

"Am I sincere? Who knows? What do I myself know? Do I truly feel this
purification of my soul, or do I remain the woman I am? A dreadful doubt
rises in me; it is Satan entering into me! I will pray: Blessed Virgin,
pray for me!

* * * * *

"I have become calmer; prayer has strengthened me. Oh, full of anguish
are the