ned in the beginning of this
story, viz. that if I did take this foolish step, God would not bless
me, and I would have leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglected
his counsel, when there might be none to assist in my recovery. "Now,"
said I aloud, "my dear father's words are come to pass: God's justice
has overtaken me, and I have none to help or hear me: I rejected the
voice of Providence, which had mercifully put me in a posture or station
of life wherein I might have been happy and easy; but I would neither
see it myself, nor learn to know the blessing of it from my parents; I
left them to mourn over my folly, and now I am left to mourn under the
consequences of it: I refused their help and assistance, who would have
lifted me into the world, and would have made every thing easy to me;
and now I have difficulties to struggle with, too great for even nature
itself to support, and no assistance, no help, no comfort, no advice."
Then I cried out, "Lord be my help, for I am in great distress!"

This was the first prayer, if I might call it so, that I had made for
many years. But I return to my journal.

June 28. Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep I had had, and
the fit being entirely off, I got up: and though the fright and terror
of my dream was very great, yet I considered, that the fit of the ague
would return again the next day, and now was my time to get something to
refresh and support myself when I should be ill; and the first thing I
did, I filled a large square case-bottle with water, and set it upon my
table, in reach of my bed; and to take off the chill or aguish
disposition of the water, I put about a quarter of a pint of rum into
it, and mixed them together; then I got me a piece of the goat's flesh,
and broiled it on the coals, but could eat very little. I walked about,
but was very weak, and withal very sad and heavy-hearted under a sense
of my miserable condition, dreading the return of my distemper the next
day. At night I made my supper of three of the turtle's eggs, which I
roasted in the ashes, and ate, as we call it, in the shell; and this was
the first bit of meat I had ever asked God's blessing to, even, as I
could remember, in my whole life.

After I had eaten I tried to walk; but found myself so weak, that I
could hardly carry the gun (for I never went out without that): so I
went but a little way, and sat down upon the ground, looking out upon
the sea, which was just before