't have to
talk on our fingers entirely, from that time forth until the children got
tired of the whistles. And if ever another man gives a whistle to a
child of mine and I get my hands on him, I will hang him higher than
Haman! That is the word with the bark on it! Shade of Nephi! You don't
know anything about married life. I am rich, and everybody knows it. I
am benevolent, and everybody takes advantage of it. I have a strong
fatherly instinct and all the foundlings are foisted on me.

"Every time a woman wants to do well by her darling, she puzzles her brain
to cipher out some scheme for getting it into my hands. Why, sir, a
woman came here once with a child of a curious lifeless sort of
complexion (and so had the woman), and swore that the child was mine and
she my wife--that I had married her at such-and-such a time in
such-and-such a place, but she had forgotten her number, and of course I
could not remember her name. Well, sir, she called my attention to the
fact that the child looked like me, and really it did seem to resemble
me--a common thing in the Territory--and, to cut the story short, I put
it in my nursery, and she left. And by the ghost of Orson Hyde, when
they came to wash the paint off that child it was an Injun! Bless my
soul, you don't know anything about married life. It is a perfect dog's
life, sir--a perfect dog's life. You can't economize. It isn't
possible. I have tried keeping one set of bridal attire for all
occasions. But it is of no use. First you'll marry a combination of
calico and consumption that's as thin as a rail, and next you'll get a
creature that's nothing more than the dropsy in disguise, and then you've
got to eke out that bridal dress with an old balloon. That is the way it
goes. And think of the wash-bill--(excuse these tears)--nine hundred and
eighty-four pieces a week! No, sir, there is no such a thing as economy
in a family like mine. Why, just the one item of cradles--think of it!
And vermifuge! Soothing syrup! Teething rings! And 'papa's watches' for
the babies to play with! And things to scratch the furniture with! And
lucifer matches for them to eat, and pieces of glass to cut themselves
with! The item of glass alone would support your family, I venture to
say, sir. Let me scrimp and squeeze all I can, I still can't get ahead as
fast as I feel I ought to, with my opportunities. Bless you, sir, at a
time when I had seventy-two wives in this house