ld, dishearten, I imagined that
I was armed for battle in such a way that I should never be conquered,
and I am conquered, as much by the fault of circumstances as by my
own--"

"And in what are you to blame, poor dear?"

"For my ignorance of life, stupidity, presumption, and blindness. If
I had been less simple, should I have been taken in by Jardine's
propositions? Should I have accepted this furniture, this apartment? He
told me that the papers he made me sign were mere formalities, that in
reality I might pay when I could, and that he would be content with a
fair interest. That seemed reasonable, and, without inquiring further,
I accepted, happy and delighted to have a home, feeling sure of having
strength to bear this burden. To have confidence in one's self is
strength, but it is also weakness. Because you love me you do not know
me; you do not see me as I am. In reality, I am not sociable, and
I lack, absolutely, suppleness, delicacy, politeness, as much in my
character as in my manners. Being so, how can I obtain a large practice,
or succeed, unless it is by some stroke of luck? I have counted on the
luck, but its hour has not yet sounded. Because I lack suppleness I have
not been able to win the sympathy or interest of my masters. They see
only my reserve; and because I stay away from them, as much through
timidity as pride, they do not come to me--which is quite natural,
I admit. And because I have not yielded my ideas to the authority of
others, they have taken a dislike to me, which is still more natural.
Because I lack politeness, and am still an Auvergnat, heavy and awkward
as nature made me, men of the world disdain me, judging me by my
exterior, which they see and dislike. More wary, more sly, more
experienced, I should be, at least, sustained by friendship, but I have
given no thought to it. What good is it? I had no need of it, my force
was sufficient. I find it more easy to make myself feared than loved.
Thus formed, there are only two things for me to do: remain in my poor
room in the Hotel du Senat, living by giving lessons and by work from
the booksellers, until the examination and admission to the central
bureau; or to establish myself in an out-of-the-way quarter at
Belleville, Montrouge, or elsewhere, and there practise among people who
will demand neither politeness nor fine manners. As these two ways are
reasonable, I have made up my mind to neither. Belleville, because I
should work only wi