n of nerves
produced by it that I made my actual inductions. They harassed me so
that sometimes, at odd moments, I shut myself up audibly to rehearse--it
was at once a fantastic relief and a renewed despair--the manner in
which I might come to the point. I approached it from one side and the
other while, in my room, I flung myself about, but I always broke down
in the monstrous utterance of names. As they died away on my lips, I
said to myself that I should indeed help them to represent something
infamous, if, by pronouncing them, I should violate as rare a little
case of instinctive delicacy as any schoolroom, probably, had ever
known. When I said to myself: "THEY have the manners to be silent, and
you, trusted as you are, the baseness to speak!" I felt myself crimson
and I covered my face with my hands. After these secret scenes I
chattered more than ever, going on volubly enough till one of our
prodigious, palpable hushes occurred--I can call them nothing else--the
strange, dizzy lift or swim (I try for terms!) into a stillness, a pause
of all life, that had nothing to do with the more or less noise that at
the moment we might be engaged in making and that I could hear through
any deepened exhilaration or quickened recitation or louder strum of the
piano. Then it was that the others, the outsiders, were there. Though
they were not angels, they "passed," as the French say, causing me,
while they stayed, to tremble with the fear of their addressing to their
younger victims some yet more infernal message or more vivid image than
they had thought good enough for myself.

What it was most impossible to get rid of was the cruel idea that,
whatever I had seen, Miles and Flora saw MORE--things terrible and
unguessable and that sprang from dreadful passages of intercourse in the
past. Such things naturally left on the surface, for the time, a chill
which we vociferously denied that we felt; and we had, all three, with
repetition, got into such splendid training that we went, each time,
almost automatically, to mark the close of the incident, through the
very same movements. It was striking of the children, at all events,
to kiss me inveterately with a kind of wild irrelevance and never to
fail--one or the other--of the precious question that had helped us
through many a peril. "When do you think he WILL come? Don't you think
we OUGHT to write?"--there was nothing like that inquiry, we found by
experience, for carrying off an