acceptance had been to me, and how ready I was to return
the whole at his command; since it had been my desire to prove, not only
my capability, but my unselfishness in the work. The man was ashamed; I
saw it in his face as he turned it away from me: yet he saw in me a proof
that he had been vanquished in intrigue, and was resolved that the
occasion should end in my overthrow. Much more was said about the
presents and their significance; and I soon ceased to be the humble woman,
and spoke boldly what I thought, in defiance of his authority, as I had
done at the time of the religious conversation (by the way, I never
attended church again after that interview.) The end was, that I declared
my readiness to leave the hospital. He wished to inflict direct punishment
on me; and forbade me to be present at the examination of the class, which
was to take place the next day. This was really a hard penalty, to which
he was forced for his own sake; for, if I had been present, I should have
told the whole affair to men of a nobler stamp, who would have opposed, as
they afterwards did, my leaving a place which I filled to their entire
satisfaction.

I made my preparations to leave the hospital on the 15th of November. What
was I to do? I was not made to practise quietly, as is commonly done: my
education and aspirations demanded more than this. For the time, I could
do nothing more than inform my patients that I intended to practise
independently. My father again wished that I should marry; and I began to
ask myself, whether marriage is an institution to relieve parents from
embarrassment. When troubled about the future of a son, parents are ready
to give him to the army; when in fears of the destiny of a daughter, they
induce her to become the slave of the marriage bond. I never doubted that
it was more unendurable and unworthy to be a wife without love, than a
soldier without a special calling for that profession; and I never could
think of marriage as the means to procure a shelter and bread.

I had so many schemes in my head, that I would not listen to his words.
Among these was especially the wish to emigrate to America. The
Pennsylvania Female Medical College had sent its first Report to Dr.
Schmidt, who had informed me of it as well as his colleagues, and had
advocated the justice of such a reform. This fact occurred to my memory;
and, for the next two months, I did nothing but speculate how to carry out
my design of emigrat