noise. I felt the blood oozing from my breast
and pouring from my mouth in a warm stream--my limbs pained me
frightfully--but I picked myself up and with extremest suffering fled
to my cloister, when, having reached my cell, I fell senseless. A long
illness now confined me to my bed and tortured my body with frightful
pains; but far more frightful were the tortures of my soul, more
frightful the voices that day and night whispered to me of my crime and
guiltiness! My conscience was fully awakened; it spoke to me in a voice
of thunder, and like a worm I turned upon my bed of pain, imploring of
God a little mercy for the torments that burned my brain! This time God
permitted Himself to be found by me; I heard his voice, saying: 'Go and
repent, and thy sins shall be forgiven thee! Shake off the sinfulness
that weighs upon thy head, and peace will return to thy bosom.' I heard
this voice of God, and wept with repentant sorrow. I vowed to obey and
reconcile myself to God by renouncing my love and never again seeing its
object! It was a great sacrifice, but God demanded it, and I obeyed!"

"That is, this sickness had restored you from intoxication to sobriety;
you were tired of your mistress!"

"I had, perhaps, never loved her more warmly, more intensely, than in
those dreadful hours when I was struggling with my poor tortured heart
and imploring God for strength to renounce her and separate myself from
her forever. But God was merciful and aided my weakness with His own
strength. Letters came from her, and I had the cruel courage to read
them; I had condemned myself to do it as an expiation, and while I read
her soft complainings, her love-sorrows, I felt in my heart the same
sorrows, the same disconsolate wretchedness; tears streamed from my
eyes, and I flayed my breast with my nails in utter despair! Ah, at such
moments how often did I forget God and my repentance; how often did
I press those letters to my lips and call my beloved by the tenderest
names; my whole soul, my whole being flew to her, and, forgetting all,
all, I wanted to rush to her presence, fall down at her feet, and be
blessed only through her, even if my eternal salvation was thereby lost!
But what was it, what then restrained my feet, what suddenly arrested
those words of insane passion upon my lips and irresistibly drew me
down upon my knees to pray? It was God, who then announced Himself to
me--God, who called me to Himself--God, who finally gave me str