ble duty to subdue itself by merely keeping its attention
fastened upon the external life. If we listened to the goodness, the
heaven we all carry round within us, what would become of us? I for my
part would not be capable of resisting long.... I believe you understand
me. You yourself have felt what a help and support your daily routine
is. I never paid much attention to you, you were only one of the many
supernumeraries on the stage of my work, but I respected you because you
made a part of my efforts, and you too took great pains with your work.

"Every time I left you, I felt gentler. Though fatigued I felt free to
think of myself, buoyant, wiser, unloaded, as if my sins had been
forgiven me.... I had paid my debt; I owed nothing.

"I do not know if work in itself is a good deed. God probably never
meant it for us. Not to lie does not mean to discern the truth, and to
work is not to find the truth, but it is to have the right to advance
toward truth and put oneself in a state of grace and health.

"Then remember that you dared to offer me this miserable fate, me who in
doing the same work lived beside you as if under the same roof, who felt
imbued with an austere ardor. But you saw nothing, learned nothing,
understood nothing. You horrified me. What you did yesterday! Good
heavens! You attacked, I defended; we are quits.

"And the money spread out glitteringly to gag me at night....

"You must be just. While you were going through your day's work it never
occurred to you that I had my day's work too, and my strong arms and
the energy and chastity deep-seated in my body.... What was the value,
the slight importance I possess as a person to you? What was my peace to
you?

"Even if you make fun of the exigencies of the soul, do you think it's a
question of the soul alone? And how about one's relation to other
people? You go out of your house on to the street, you see the crowds on
their way to shops, offices and factories. You have to look the
working-people in the face.... Tell me, how do the men and women who
have _nothing to do_ look the workers in the face?

"I see this doesn't touch you. You are withdrawing. To keep you leaning
toward me, I myself and I alone have to be the subject under discussion.
I must be uncovered, laid naked, by what I say...."

I felt a sudden surge of blood to my cheeks and my lips; our looks
crossed like swords.

* * * * *

Here I am with nothing