eeply imbued with serpentine
wisdom to be at all bamfoozled by the _ad captandum_ charms of feminine
cajoleries. Indeed, I am a poor penniless chap, if not almost completely
dead for want of funds, and if I had only been able to call my revered
and fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir CUMMERBUND, he would infallibly
have testified--

_The Judge._ As you did not think proper--no doubt for excellent
reasons--to put Sir CHETWYND in the box when you could have done so, Mr
JABBERJEE, I shall most certainly not allow you to make any comments now
upon the evidence he might or might not have given.

_Baboo J._ I beg to knuckle very submissively to your lordship's
argument. The fact is, that the said Sir CUMMERBUND, on hearing my
answers when I was acting in the capacity of a harrowed toad under my
friend WITHERINGTON'S cross-examination, very handsomely stated that I
had left nothing for him to say, and begged modestly that he might be
excused. But indeed, Misters, I occupy but a very beggarly apartment in
this Fools' Hotel of a world, and it is the moral impossibility for me
to pay any damages whatever! Moreover, it is a well-authenticated fact
that I am a shocking coward, and was induced to become affianced by
haunting apprehensions of receiving a succession of severe kicks. For
how, being suddenly put to my choice between being barbarously kicked
and punched or acquiring a spruce and blooming bride, could I hesitate
for a moment to accept the lesser of two evils? Nevertheless, I did
remain uninterruptedly devoted to the plaintiff for many weeks--until I
encountered a still younger and more bewitching lady, who became the
Polar Star to my compass-like heart. But, lack-a-daisy, Sirs! though I
left no stones unturned to be off with my Old Love, I did not get on
very fortunately with the New, seeing that she preferred an affluent
young Scotch, whereby I am reduced to shedding tears in silence and
solicitude between two stools! (_Roars of laughter._) Misters, like the
frog that was being lapidated by thoughtless juveniles, I reply:--"for
you it may be facetious; but to myself it is a devilishly serious
affair!" For, after beholding the plaintiff here and discovering that
she had advanced rather than retrograded in physical attractiveness, I
made cordial approaches to her, but she passed me by with a
superciliously exalted nose! Gentlemen, it is a terrific piece of humbug
for her to allege that her heart has been infernally lacerated