pavement is firm
under his feet all the time."

"Half of me knows in a dim blind way that God is the same always," said
Hester, "while the other half says, 'Curse God and die.'"

"That is the giddiness, the vertigo after the shock."

"Is it? I dare say you are right. But I don't care either way."

"Why trouble your mind about it, or about anything?"

"Because I have a feeling, indeed, it would be extraordinary if I had
not, for Dr. Brown is always rubbing it in, that I ought to meet my
trouble bravely, and not sink down under it, as he thinks I am doing
now. He says others have suffered more than I have. I know that, for I
have been with them. It seems," said Hester, with the ghost of a smile,
"that there is an etiquette about these things, just as the blinds are
drawn up after a funeral. The moment has come for me, but I have not
drawn up my blinds."

"You will draw them up presently."

"I would draw them up now," said Hester, looking at him steadily, "if I
could. I owe it to you and Rachel to try, and I have tried, but I
can't."

The Bishop's cheek paled a little.

"Take your own time," he said, but his heart sank.

He saw a little boat with torn sail and broken rudder, drifting on to a
lee shore.

"I seem to have been living at a great strain for the last year," said
Hester. "I don't know one word from another now, but I think I mean
concentration. That means holding your mind to one place, doesn't it?
Well, now, something seems to have broken, and I can't fix it to
anything any more. I can talk to you and Rachel for a few minutes if I
hold my mind tight, but I can't really attend, and directly I am alone,
or you leave off speaking, my mind gets loose from my body and wanders
away to an immense distance, to long, dreary, desert places. And then if
you come in I make a great effort to bring it back, and to open my eyes,
because if I don't you think I'm ill. You don't mind if I shut them now,
do you?--because I've explained about them, and holding them open does
tire me so. I wish they could be propped open. And--my mind gets farther
and further away every day. I hope you and Rachel won't think I am
giving way if--sometime--I really can't bring it back any longer."

"Dear Hester, no."

"I will not talk any more then. If you and Rachel understand, that is
all that matters. I used to think so many things mattered, but I don't
now. And don't think I'm grieving about the book while I'm lying still.
I have