left me, quite left me, never to return?
Will the fearful silence ever cease to startle me? Whenever I came
in from a walk or a drive I used to know almost before I opened his
door, by the sound of his voice, or of _something,_ whether
all was well with him, and now there is only that deadly silence.
And yet, I often feel if I had but courage to go in, surely I
_must_ find him, surely he _must_ be waiting for me and
wanting me. But how foolish to talk of any _one_ form of this
unutterable blank, which meets me at every turn, intertwined with
everything I say or do, and taking a new shape every moment, and
the yearning and the aching which have been my portion for four
years--the yearning for my other lost loved ones, for my dear, dear
boys, seems more terrible than ever now that this too has come upon
me.... I pass my husband's sitting-room window--there are the roses
he loved so well, hanging over them in all their summer beauty, but
he does not call me to give him one. I come in, and there on the
walls of my room are pictures of the three, but not one of them
answers me--silence, nothing but deadly silence! I know all is
well, and I feel in my inmost heart that this last sorrow is a
blessed one, saving us from far worse, and taking him to his rest,
and I never for a moment forget what treasures beyond price are
left to my old age still.

CHAPTER XIII

1878-98

Lady Russell survived her husband nearly twenty years. From the time of
Lord Russell's death in May, 1878, till 1890, she kept no diary, but not
long before her death she wrote for her children a few recollections of
some of the events during those twelve years.

In May, 1880, Lady Victoria Villiers died, leaving a widowed husband and
many children. Her death was a great sorrow to Lady Russell, who wrote of
her as "a perfect wife and mother."

In the summer of 1883 her son Rollo bought a place--Dunrozel--near
Haslemere, and from this time till 1891 Lady Russell spent a few months
every year at Dunrozel.[96] In 1891 and 1892 she took a house on
Hindhead--some miles from Haslemere--for a few months. She enjoyed and
loved the beautiful wild heather country, which reminded her of Scotland,
but after 1892 she felt that home was best for her, and never again left
Pembroke Lodge.

[96] They named it Dunrozel after Rozel in Normandy, supposed to be the
original home of the Ru