him, quite at home, more
than at home.

'... The days fly past.... I am happy, and somehow discontent and I am
thankful to God, and tears are not far off. Oh these hot bright days!

'... I am still light-hearted as before, and only at times, and only a
little, sad. I am happy. Am I happy?

'... It will be long before I forget the expedition yesterday. What
strange, new, terrible impressions when he suddenly took that great
giant and flung him like a ball into the water. I was not frightened ...
yet he frightened me. And afterwards--what an angry face, almost cruel!
How he said, "He will swim out!" It gave me a shock. So I did not
understand him. And afterwards when they all laughed, when I was
laughing, how I felt for him! He was ashamed, I felt that he was ashamed
before me. He told me so afterwards in the carriage in the dark, when I
tried to get a good view of him and was afraid of him. Yes, he is not
to be trifled with, and he is a splendid champion. But why that wicked
look, those trembling lips, that angry fire in his eyes? Or is it,
perhaps, inevitable? Isn't it possible to be a man, a hero, and to
remain soft and gentle? "Life is a coarse business," he said to me once
lately. I repeated that saying to Andrei Petrovitch; he did not agree
with D. Which of them is right? But the beginning of that day! How happy
I was, walking beside him, even without speaking. ... But I am glad of
what happened. I see that it was quite as it should be.

'... Restlessness again... I am not quite well.... All these days I have
written nothing in this book, because I have had no wish to write. I
felt, whatever I write, it won't be what is in my heart. ... And what
is in my heart? I have had a long talk with him, which revealed a great
deal. He told me his plan (by the way, I know now how he got the wound
in his neck.... Good God! when I think he was actually condemned
to death, that he was only just saved, that he was wounded.... ) He
prophesies war and will be glad of it. And for all that, I never saw D.
so depressed. What can he... he!... be depressed by? Papa arrived home
from town and came upon us two. He looked rather queerly at us. Andrei
Petrovitch came; I noticed he had grown very thin and pale. He reproved
me, saying I behave too coldly and inconsiderately to Shubin. I had
utterly forgotten Paul's existence. I will see him, and try to smooth
over my offence. He is nothing to me now... nor any one else in the
world. Andrei