endence, self-expression--yes, all that, but
where--where was the promised joy?

When I look back and observe my life, I see the sharp, difficult ascent
that led to my career at Van de Vere's with clearness. As if it was a
picture taken on a sunny day I observe the details of the first joyous
days of realized ambition. Just when my happiness began to blur I do not
know. Less distinct are the events that led to my discontent. Gradual
was the tarnishing of the metal I thought was gold within the pot. I
closed my eyes to the process, at first refused to recognize it. I
wouldn't admit the possibility of lacks and deficiencies in my life.
When they became too obvious to ignore, I searched for excuses. I was
tired; I had overworked; I needed a change. Never was it because I was a
woman, and just plain hungry for a home. The slow disillusion that crept
upon me expressed itself at odd and unexpected moments. In the middle of
a fine discussion with the girls of the old circle, the
"mountain-climbers," as Esther sometimes called us, the ineffectualness
of our lives would sweep over me. To my chagrin, immediately after an
inspired argument on suffrage a kind of reactionary longing to be
petted, and loved, and indulged occasionally would possess me. Sometimes
coming home to the room in Irving Place, after a long day at the shop, I
would be more impressed by the loneliness of my life than the freedom.

I hid these indications of what I considered weakness, buried them deep
in my heart, at first, and covered them over with a bright green patch
of exaggerated zest and enthusiasm. One never realizes how many people
are suffering with a certain disease until he himself is afflicted. I
didn't know, until my little patch of green covered a longing, how many
other longings were similarly concealed. As I became more intimately
acquainted with the members of our little circle I discovered that there
was frequently expressed a desire for human ties. I recalled Esther's
confession at the hospital. Her words came back to me with startling
significance. "A stark and empty life," she had said, "no man, no child,
no one to make sacrifices for--just my thoughts, my hopes and my
ambitions--that's all." Virginia, too--successful and brilliant Virginia
Van de Vere! For what other reason had Virginia adopted the curly-headed
Greek boy except to cover a lack in her life? For what reason than for a
desire for some one to love and to be loved by were Alsa