f the head staggers. Children are nearly as
wise as cats. It is true that they will utilize water in a variety of
ways, for instance, the destruction of a tablecloth or a pinafore, and I
have observed them greasing a ladder with soap, showing in the process a
great knowledge of the properties of this material."

"Why shouldn't they, to be sure?" said Meehawl MacMurrachu. "Have you
got a match, sir?"

"I have not," said the Philosopher. "Sparrows, again, are a highly acute
and reasonable folk. They use water to quench thirst, but when they are
dirty they take a dust bath and are at once cleansed. Of course, birds
are often seen in the water, but they go there to catch fish and not to
wash. I have often fancied that fish are a dirty, sly, and unintelligent
people--this is due to their staying so much in the water, and it has
been observed that on being removed from this element they at once
expire through sheer ecstasy at escaping from their prolonged washing."

"I have seen them doing it myself," said Meehawl. "Did you ever hear,
sir, about the fish that Paudeen MacLoughlin caught in the policeman's
hat."

"I did not," said the Philosopher. "The first person who washed was
possibly a person seeking a cheap notoriety. Any fool can wash himself,
but every wise man knows that it is an unnecessary labour, for nature
will quickly reduce him to a natural and healthy dirtiness again. We
should seek, therefore, not how to make ourselves clean, but how to
attain a more unique and splendid dirtiness, and perhaps the accumulated
layers of matter might, by ordinary geologic compulsion, become
incorporated with the human cuticle and so render clothing
unnecessary--"

"About that washboard," said Meehawl, "I was just going to say--"

"It doesn't matter," said the Philosopher. "In its proper place I admit
the necessity for water. As a thing to sail a ship on it can scarcely be
surpassed (not, you will understand, that I entirely approve of ships,
they tend to create and perpetuate international curiosity and the
smaller vermin of different latitudes). As an element wherewith to put
out a fire, or brew tea, or make a slide in winter it is useful, but in
a tin basin it has a repulsive and meagre aspect.--Now as to your wife's
washboard--"

"Good luck to your honour," said Meehawl.

"Your wife says that either the fairies or a woman with a goat's leg has
it."

"It's her whiskers," said Meehawl.

"They are lame," said the Phil