almost convinced the
audience I was doing so.

They had all seen the real thing a fortnight before, so that we were
greeted with shouts of laughter as the curtain went up.

The trouble was, as we had only written the book of words that day it
was rather hard for me to remember them, so I had taken the precaution
of safety-pinning them on my doll's back. It was all right for her as
she got the cue from me. It was not difficult, half supporting her as I
appeared to be, to squint behind occasionally for the next jest! On one
of these occasions my incorrigible doll horrified me by winking at the
audience and exclaiming, to their delight, "The bloke's got all the
words on my back!" She then revolved out of my grasp, and spun slowly
round on her stool. This unrehearsed effect quite brought the house
down, and not to be outdone, I raised my small bowler repeatedly in
acknowledgment!

I was a little taken aback the next morning when the man at the petrol
stores said, "My, but you wos a fair treat as Charlie Chaplin last
night, Miss." (It must have been Corporal Coy's moustache that did it,
not to mention lifting my bowler from the rear!)

The more local colour you get in a show of that sort the better the men
like it, and we parodied all the latest songs as fast as they came out.
Winnie and "Squig" in Unity More's "_Clock strikes Thirteen_" were
extremely popular, especially when they sang with reference to cranking
up in the mornings:

Wind, wind. _Oh_ what a grind!
I could weep, I could swear, I could scream,
Both my arms ache, and my back seems to break
But she'll go when the clock strikes thirteen.

Oh, oh (with joy), at last she will go!
There's a spark from the bloomin' machine,
She's going like fire, when bang goes a tyre
And we'll start when the clock strikes thirteen!

The whole programme was as follows:--

1. The FANTASTIKS announce their shortcomings in
chorus of original words to the opening music of the Bing
Boys--"We're the FANTASTIKS, and we rise at six and
don't get much time to rehearse, so if songs don't go, and
the show is slow, well, we hope you'll say it might have
been worse," etc., etc.

2. _Violin_ 1. "Andantino" (Kreisler) }
} P.B. WADDELL
2. "Capriccioso" (Drdla) }
3. _Recitation_ Humorous N.F. LOWSON
4. _Chorus Song_ "Piccadilly"