nd then I cried. All the
same I never lost my hope. I talked to people about Russia, but it was
never Russia itself they seemed to care for--it was women or drink or
perhaps freedom and socialism, or perhaps some part of Russia, Siberia,
or the Caucasus--but my world they none of them believed in. It didn't
exist they said. It was simply my imagination that had painted it, and
they laughed at me and said it was held together by the lashes of the
knout, and when those went Russia would go too. As I grew up some of
them thought that I was revolutionary, and they tried to make me join
their clubs and societies. But those were no use to me. They couldn't
give me what I wanted. They wanted to destroy, to assassinate some one,
or to blow up a building. They had no thought beyond destruction, and
that to me seemed only the first step. And they never think of Russia,
our revolutionaries. You will have noticed that yourself, Ivan
Andreievitch. Nothing so small and trivial as Russia! It must be the
whole world or nothing at all. Democracy... Freedom... the Brotherhood
of Man! Oh, the terrible harm that words have done to Russia! Had the
Russians of the last fifty years been born without the gift of speech we
would be now the greatest people on the earth!

"But I loved Russia from end to end. The farthest villages in Siberia,
the remotest hut beyond Archangel, from the shops in the Sadovaya to the
Lavra at Kieff, from the little villages on the bank of the Volga to the
woods round Tarnopol--all, all one country, one people, one world within
a world. The old man to whom I was secretary discovered this secret hope
of mine. I talked one night when I was drunk and told him everything. I
mentioned even the Enchanter and the Sleeping Beauty! How he laughed at
me! He would never leave me alone. 'Nicolai Leontievitch believes in
Holy Russia!' he would say. 'Not so much Holy, you understand, as
Bewitched. A Fairy Garden, ladies, with a sleeping beauty in the middle
of it. Dear me, Nicolai Leontievitch, no wonder you are heart-free!'

"How I hated him and his yellow face and his ugly stomach! I would have
stamped on it with delight. But that made me shy. I was afraid to speak
of it to any one, and I kept to myself. Then Vera came and she didn't
laugh at me. The two ideas grew together in my head. Vera and Russia!
The two things in my life by which I stood--because man must have
something in life round which he may nestle as a cat curls up b