***

She had them all down--before--I could say--Jack--Robinson!

I left Kalbsbraten that night, and have never been there since.

FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.

BEING APPEALS TO THE UNEMPLOYED YOUNGER SONS OF THE NOBILITY.

FIRST PROFESSION.

The fair and honest proposition in which I offered to communicate
privately with parents and guardians, relative to two new and lucrative
professions which I had discovered, has, I find from the publisher,
elicited not one single inquiry from those personages, who I can't but
think are very little careful of their children's welfare to allow
such a chance to be thrown away. It is not for myself I speak, as my
conscience proudly tells me; for though I actually gave up Ascot in
order to be in the way should any father of a family be inclined to
treat with me regarding my discoveries, yet I am grieved, not on my own
account, but on theirs, and for the wretched penny-wise policy that has
held them back.

That they must feel an interest in my announcement is unquestionable.
Look at the way in which the public prints of all parties have noticed
my appearance in the character of a literary man! Putting aside my
personal narrative, look at the offer I made to the nation,--a choice
of no less than two new professions! Suppose I had invented as many new
kinds of butcher's meat; does any one pretend that the world, tired as
it is of the perpetual recurrence of beef, mutton, veal, cold beef, cold
veal, cold mutton, hashed ditto, would not have jumped eagerly at the
delightful intelligence that their old, stale, stupid meals were about
to be varied at last?

Of course people would have come forward. I should have had deputations
from Mr. Gibletts and the fashionable butchers of this world; petitions
would have poured in from Whitechapel salesmen; the speculators panting
to know the discovery; the cautious with stock in hand eager to bribe me
to silence and prevent the certain depreciation of the goods which
they already possessed. I should have dealt with them, not greedily or
rapaciously, but on honest principles of fair barter. "Gentlemen," I
should have said, or rather, "Gents"--which affectionate diminutive
is, I am given to understand, at present much in use among commercial
persons--"Gents, my researches, my genius, or my good fortune, have
brought me to the valuable discovery about which you are come to treat.
Will you purchase it outright, or will you give the dis