ity of Paul, or to look down
upon him? I ask you, as I have been asking myself every day these three
weeks--is he not the wise man and I the fool? He the useful member of
society, and I the mere hanger-on? His life the real, mine the shadow?
That he is happy I have already said; that I am not, I know. His system
therefore leads to peace and contentment, mine does not. He has set a
child into the world, and though, of course, he does not know what its
ultimate fate will be, he sees for the present, as do I and everybody
else who is not blind, that it fills his home with sunshine and warmth.
He provides hundreds with their daily bread. That is, I know, of no
moment to the universe; it is of very little importance whether a few
more obstruse human creatures walk the face of the earth or not. But
meanwhile, the creatures in question enjoy more agreeable sensations,
if, thanks to Paul's exertions, they have a comfortably spread table
every day. I cannot boast of any such achievements. The only good I
ever did my fellow-men did not proceed from me but from our friend
Dorfling, who simply used my hand as an instrument for carrying out his
charitable designs. My personal compassion, my love for my companions
in ignorance and suffering bears no fruit, benefits no one, and it
frequently seems to me that, if the truth were known, I am an egoist of
the deepest dye.

"If I could at least act consistently with the philosophy which directs
nay views of life! But I am not even capable of that. Systematically, I
concede no importance to outward forms. Maja does not count me among
her devotees. What are houses? What are the phantoms who inhabit them?
A transient semblance, a delusion of the senses! And yet, I am
conscious that I miss just those houses which happen to stand, in
Berlin and that I feel an unspeakable longing for the phantom called
Dr. Schrotter. Once again it has been proved to me that I am an
unconscious plaything in the hands of unknown powers, for again, as
more than once in my life, and always at decisive moments, some outside
agency has interfered in my fate, and disposed of me contrary to my own
intentions, by sending me out of Berlin and away from you. But,
nevertheless, my appreciation of this fact does not give me the
strength to accept the inevitable in silence and without repining.

"Enough--I will not pain you. Only this much I should like to add that
life is really harder to bear than I had thought for.

"Fa