through the veins,
and every pulse throbs with the instinct of high and noble daring--to
die with hopes unattained, wishes ungratified, duties unperformed--to
leave those we love without one parting look or word to struggle on
through this cold unsympathising world alone and unprotected--and, above
all, to lose one's life in an act the lawfulness of which was more than
questionable--all these things contributed to form a picture, which it
required either a very steadfast or an utterly callous heart to enable
one to gaze upon without blanching. I thought of the misery I should
entail upon my family; how, instead of fulfilling my father's dying
injunctions to take his place, and devote myself to comfort and protect
them, I should wound my mother's heart anew, and spread the dark mist
of sorrow over the fair prospect of my sister's young existence; and I
cursed my fastidious folly in objecting to the toast, to which, in my
self-accusation, I traced all that had afterwards occurred. Then, with
the inconsistency of human nature, I began to speculate upon what would
be Clara Saville's feelings, were she to learn that it was to prevent
the slightest breath of insult being coupled with her name that I was
about to peril, not only my life, but, for aught I knew, my hopes of
happiness here and hereafter. As the last awful possibility occurred
to me, the burden of my misery became too great for me to bear, and,
retiring to the privacy of my own chamber, I flung myself on my knees,
and poured ~176~~forth an earnest prayer for pardon for the past, and
deliverance for the future.

When I again returned to my sitting-room my mind had nearly recovered
its usual tone, and I felt prepared to meet and to go through whatever
might be before me with calmness and determination. As I was uncertain
how long it might be before Lawless would arrive, I resolved, in order
to avoid the horrors of suspense, to employ myself, and taking up the
mathematical treatise upon which I was engaged, and by a vigorous effort
of mind compelling my attention, I read steadily for about half an
hour, at the end of which time the sound of hasty footsteps was heard
ascending the stairs, and in another minute the door was flung open, and
Lawless and Archer entered the apartment.

"Reading mathematics, as I'm a slightly inebriated Christian!" exclaimed
Archer, taking the book out of my hands; "well, if that isn't pretty
cool for a man who may be going to be shot at