a-talkin' to her, and that maddened me, 'cause I'm natur'lly of a
jealous disposition, you know, and so, at last, I jes' casually hinted
that ef she was really a-goin' to git them eyes carpentered up, w'y
she'd better git at it: and that ended it.

"And then the blame' girl turned right around and married a fellow
that had a better pair of eyes than mine this minute! Then I struck
another cross-eyed girl--not really a legitimate case, 'cause, in
reality, she only had one off eye--the right eye, ef I don't
disremember--the other one was as square as a gouge. And that girl
was, ef any difference, a more confusin' case than the other, and
besides all that, she had some money in her own right, and warn't
a-throwin' off no big discount on one game eye. But I finally got her
interested, and I reckon something serious might 'a' come of it--but,
you see, her father was dead, and her stepmother sort o' shet down on
my comin' to the house; besides that, she had three grown uncles, and
you know how uncles is. I didn't want to marry no family, of course,
and so I slid out of the scheme, and tackled a poor girl that clerked
in a post-office. Her eyes was bad! I never did git the hang of them
eyes of hern. She had purty hair, and a complexion, I used to tell
her, which outrivalled the rose. But them eyes, you know! I didn't
really appreciate how bad they was crossed, at first. You see, it took
time. Got her to give me her picture, and I used to cipher on that,
but finally worked her off on a young friend of mine who wanted to
marry intellect--give her a good send-off to him--and she was
smart--only them eyes, you know! Why, that girl could read a postal
card, both sides at once, and smile at a personal friend through the
office window at the same time!"

HOMESICKNESS

There was a more than ordinary earnestness in the tone of Mr. Judkins
as he said: "Referrin' to this thing of bein' homesick, I want to
say right here that of all diseases, afflictions er complaints, this
thing of bein' homesick takes the cookies! A man may think when he's
got a' aggrivated case of janders, er white-swellin', say, er
bone-erysipelas, that he's to be looked up to as bein' purty well
fixed in this vale of trouble and unrest, but I want to tell you, when
I want my sorrow blood-raw, don't you understand, you may give me
homesickness--straight goods, you know--and I'll git more clean,
legitimate agony out of that than you can out of either of the other