on of
pedestrians that under present conditions one cannot be knocked down
without soiling one's clothing.

* * *

"Water," says an official of the Metropolitan Water Board, "costs far
too much to waste to-day." Adulterated with whisky, we believe it costs
about eightpence a time.

* * * * *

Illustration: DIPLOMACY.

_Mistress._ "NORAH, WILL YOU TRY TO HAVE THE STEAK A LITTLE MORE
UNDERDONE?"

_Norah_ (_bristling up_). "IS IT FINDING FAULT YE ARE?"

_Mistress._ "OH, NO, NO! I MERELY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICER FOR YOU NOT
TO REMAIN OVER THE FIRE SO LONG."

* * * * *

The Music of the Future.

"MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS.

For Sale, one small Economic Roller, 1 Brown's triple action Roller,
2 Eastern Produce Roll Breakers, 1 Updraft Sirocco Dryer--all the
above in good order and can be seen working. 1 Saw Mill, good order.
1 Souter's roll Breaker, fair order."--_Ceylon Paper._

* * * * *

"Mr. ---- won L400,000 at Aix-les-Bains. The lucky player, _who was
educated at Harrow_...."--_Daily Paper._

The italics are Mr. Punch's. Are our public schools beginning to
advertise?

* * * * *

FALLING PRICES.

(_With grateful acknowledgments to the Commercial Statistician of "The
Times."_)

Sad is the sight, but not so strange,
When the dead leaf to earth declines:
I have observed this annual change
As one of Autumn's surest signs;
But oh, how very odd it is
To mark the falling prices of commodities.

One had supposed the boom of War
(Still raging with the desperate Turk),
Whose closure seemed past praying for,
Would carry on its hideous work
And swell for years and years
The bulging waistcoats of our profiteers.

But lo! a lot of useful wares
Within my modest range have come;
Trousers, I hear, are sold (in pairs)
At three-fifteen--a paltry sum;
And you can even get
Dittos as low as thirteen pounds the set.

I can afford a further lump
Of sugar in my cocoa--yes,
And cocoa too is on the slump,
Its "second grade" now costs me less;
And green peas (marrowfat)
Are down to fourpence. I can run to that.

And, though my coffers, sadly thinned,
May not command a home-killed ham,
And though the fees for pilchards (tinned)
And eggs (to eat) and strawberry-ja