I've got an appointment with the German
Ambassador about that Schleswig-Holstein business at 2 o'clock, and can
only spare you ten minutes."

HAMLET.--"I want to be appointed collector of the port of Copenhagen,
with a salary of ten thousand dollars a month besides the fees. Also, I
want to marry OPHELIA, and to be recognized as the heir apparent to your
throne."

KING.--"Well! I rather like your cheek. Do you mistake me for an
American President, that you ask me to appoint one of my own relations
to the fattest office in my gift? Why you impertinent young scoundrel!"

HAMLET.--"Draw it mild, if you please. The reason why I ask these favors
of you is, that if granted they will prevent me from talking in my
sleep."

KING (_aside_).--"He's got 'em at last. I knew he would, if he kept
company with politicians." (_To Hamlet._) "Are you drunk or crazy? Not
that it is of much consequence, but still I should like to know the
reason of this impudence."

HAMLET (_in a sepulchral whisper_).--"Uncle! I have seen a reliable
gentleman who saw my late father die. Now don't do anything rash. You
see I know all. Appoint me collector, and I'll agree to think no more
about it. Refuse, and I shall take the course that filial love and duty
prompt."

KING.--"There is no need of any dispute between relatives on such a
little matter as this appointment. I appreciate your business capacity.
Swear to forget the nonsense you have hinted at, and you shall be
collector. Is it a bargain?"

HAMLET.--"It is."

Here the play would naturally end, and the audience would feel that both
"HAMLET" and the "KING" had conducted themselves in a creditable manner.
By such a change as this, _Hamlet_ becomes a rational and enjoyable
play. But will, you ever find a REFORMING NUISANCE who will offer to
improve _Hamlet_? Not a bit of it. There is nothing which your NUISANCE
is more reluctant to do than to engage in any really useful work.

"OTHELLO" is another idiotic person, who spoils what would otherwise
have been a respectable play, by his stupid jealousy. How much better
would the drama have been had the fifth act proceeded in this wise:--

OTHELLO.--"Desdy, my dear, are you in bed?"

DESDEMONA.--"Yes, and I'm sleepy too, and don't want to be bothered.
There's your night-shirt hanging on the chair."

OTHELLO.--"IAGO tells me you've been flirting with Lieutenant CASSIO.
Now that won't do. Remember that under the Fifteenth Amendment I have
the ri